"Our Beautiful Family"

Austin & Kim, Staley (11), Kamberlie (would be 9), Stockton (8 ),Taysen (5), Kenzlie (4)

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I held her tight...

What a crazy past 3 weeks it has been! I have had every intention to blog and I have had so much that I have wanted to share, but literally no time to be able to sit down and write anything down! Kenzlie is now 1 month old and we found out today she has RSV and a really nasty double ear infection! My poor kids get so sick! I am not quite sure how/why but it has been petty crazy- that is for sure! In the last 4 weeks we have been to the doctor 7 times- and that doesn't even include the 5 times my cute mother-in-law took my boys in. They put Kenzlie on medication and we will be back to visit the BEST pediatrician ever- (Dr. Lei) next Friday!! So, wish me luck! My poor sick baby girl- at least Taysen is finally better... for today. :)

I was able to go to my parents house in Huntsville last weekend and I seriously felt like I was on vacation!! My mom is amazing! She takes such good care of me and my kids. She made Valentine cookies for my kids to decorate and they loved it! My mom is coming down this weekend to hang out with us and we are looking so forward to it! It was so nice to be able to have a change of scenery for a couple of days, and adult conversation so needed. Having Kenzlie so little I don't like to take her out, but my kids have been so sick that I haven't been able to take them out either- well in all reality, I honestly don't dare to try to take ALL of them anywhere- it is crazy enough at home- can you imagine the grocery store?!

Austin is so funny. The other day he said to me. " I am not sure if you like to be bothered or not when you fall asleep sitting up, or if you would rather me just leave you alone." Okay- I have been super tired... but what do you expect right? I have a newborn. :) Gosh, how lucky am I?! I need to cherish this time I have with Kenzlie, it goes by SO fast! I love having brand new babies- the spirit just radiates from them- it is pretty amazing to be able to just hold them, stare at them, and be able to feel so incredibly close to them. There really isn't anything quite like it.

The day after I came home from the hospital from having Kenzlie, Staley and I were sitting on the couch when he looked over at me, lifted up my blanket, looked at my stomach and said... "Ummm..Mom, you're still kind of pregnant"... okay, what do you say to that!? That isn't all..I like watching the Biggest Loser on Tuesday nights because Austin has meetings, and Staley-well he HATES it! He hates that they take their shirts off to weigh in, he thinks it is disgusting. :) ...Anyway, I was watching The Biggest Loser exactly one week after Kenzlie was born- and Staley asked me-oh so innocently- if I was going to go on that show. When I told him it was for really big people that wanted to lose weight- he just looked at me and said "Well yeah, so are you going to go on there so you can get rid of your belly?" So rude! :) -(but like he knows it's rude) - he didn't believe me when I said my stomach would go away... all I can say is his poor wife! We will definitely have to teach him better manners. :)

So all 3 of my boys absolutely adore their baby sister. I was really worried about how Taysen would react to her, but he really does love her so much. It is fun to see them with her. I do have to hide her most of the time, so they don't bother her every single second, but she is definitely loved! She is one lucky little girl!

Austin is so brave! About a week and a half ago I got up with Kenzlie to feed her probably at about 1:30 in the morning or so, and Austin was in the office typing away... when I came in and asked him what in the world he was doing, he looked up at me with tears streaming down his face... and my heart sank. (I am sure he probably doesn't really want me to share this- but oh my gosh, it is just one more reason why I love him so much!) When I asked him what he was doing, he said he couldn't sleep and things kept running through his mind of the week we were in Lake Powell. He knew he needed to write everything down, and there he was at 1:30 in the morning. Maybe one day I will have the strength to tackle that task... but for now, I can only share bits and pieces of my memories... it is too hard- in fact in order to cope, I took everything that happened and placed it in the back of my mind, so I could try to deal with just normal, day to day things....life. To sit down, and write from start to finish- would be a daunting task... Although we were in Lake Powell a total of 7 days (Kamberlie was missing for 4) the memories seem endless....for such a short amount of time, it truly felt like an eternity. As I later read what he had written, tears too, were streaming down my face. I could not stop it, nor did I try to. It was so nice to be able to hear and know his perspective of what happened. I was a bit of a zombie... really. It was like I was in a horrible dream, and yet I knew it was something I could not wake up from. I remember the night before Kamberlie went missing... there she was laying next to me in our bed. I held her tight, and I am so glad that I did! After she was gone I longed for her to be wrapped up in my arms again... I kept waiting for her to run through the doors... but, it never happened. It was so surreal. Day after day, I walked the docks. I would lay on the docks and cry and cry- wishing her back. Gosh I miss her. One distinct memory I have is when my mom and dad convinced me to go with them on a walk to a little store they have on another marina next to the docks we were at... I was holding Stockton, who at the time wasn't quite 2 years old. As we were walking we passed two ladies, who in passing said, "Make sure and hold on to him...somebody's baby just drowned the other day" I looked at my dad and quietly said, "That was my baby." Both my dad and I started to cry... Life is so crazy, and yet it is so good too... It is pretty amazing to look back and now see how far I have come.


  1. Your blog is so touching and you know how to write your feelings down so well. My oldest had RSV when she was a baby and she was in Primary Childrens for two nights. I hope your sweet children get better real soon.

  2. I love to read your blog. it feels like you are talking directly to me.
    I love what Staley said to you .... its just cute and funny... I mean he wont b able to pull that off for much longer hahaha.
    Oh kim. I love how you share your thoughts and memories , it might be painful but its good that you are letting it out.
    You need more pics of your little angel. :D

  3. Oh No! I'm so sorry that Kenzlie is sick. She is absolutely adorable and how cute that the boys are so in love with her. You and Austin are such amazing people, with incredible testimonies. Thank you for sharing your lives with us! I hope everyone gets well soon!

  4. Kim- I think you are just so amazing! And your kids are so cute! I love reading your blog- it makes me want to appreciate my family all that much more- so thanks for sharing!! Hopefully we can all get together soon!! I can't wait to meet your new baby!

  5. Kim, I am sorry Kenzlie is sick. She is so cute, definately a Binks. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. We miss you guys in our ward, and your amazing spirit that you have!

  6. Kim, I am so lucky to have such special people in my life. I am sometimes just in awe at who the Lord has allowed my to be associated with. You are so eloquent and when I read your words I truly feel such inspiration.

  7. I don't know how you manage to make me laugh and cry in a two minute span!

  8. I absolutely love reading your blog. Thank you for being an inspiration. Hope your new little one gets better soon.

  9. I hope you know, my reaction to your words is as bad as reading the end of your favorite book. Love ya, sis. Wish I was down there playing with ya this weekend...*

  10. Kim, Can I just say how much I love and respect you and your little family. Thank you for sharing your feelings, I know that is very hard. What a strength you are to all. I hope Kenzlie gets better real soon. Our daughter-in-law is a nurse on the RSV floor at Primary's. They are real busy up there with all those sick little babies.

  11. I saw your comment on my blog today and knew I had to look you up. I cannot believe the similarities with our situation and our girls are so similar. I am sooo sorry for your loss of your Kamberlie. I have never known anyone with my daughters same name and spelling. Anyways... I wanted to send my heart out to you and your family. I would love to keep in contact, I've only met very few people that have been through our same experiences.

    Sending Hugs,
    Jen Larsen
    Angel Kamber's mommy :)

  12. Thank you for the comment you left on my blog. I too am surprised that you had a Kamberlie like our family. I so admire all you mothers who have lost children. I know it is the hardest trial to get through, but know that these are special children being born to special families. Jenn is a wonderful person and she is such an inspiration to me. If you would like to get in touch with me you can email me at deweysdelight@gmail.com Love, Teri

  13. I sure hope your pretty little Kenzlie is okay and over her RSV. I know that we have been really scared that Brynnlee doesn't get RSV. You guys are so amazing, and we miss ya.
    JD & Callie