Thursday, September 9, 2010
Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!
Well, it is official- yesterday marked what would be my baby girl Kamberlie's 6th birthday! Can you believe that!? It is amazing how fast time flies by, yet stands still all at the same time. One month shy of 3 years since Kambrie left us for something so much better. Oh how I miss her. We had a good day. Austin came home early so we could take the kids to Jungle Jim's Playhouse. ( Kamberlie always wanted to go there for her birthday, so that is where we would always go). It is oh so dirty, but the kids could care less and they pretty much love it there. :) It was definitely a day of reflection, a day of longing and missing, a day full of love, and a day that will be cherished forever. Afterwards we went up to the Larkin Cemetery in Sandy. I love the place that we were able to pick out for Kamberlie... it is so beautiful and peaceful there. One of these days I will have to post pictures of her marker and bench- I can't imagine having anything less than perfect for her, and that is exactly what she got. Staley struggled a little bit, but he was very strong. He doesn't like going to the cemetery, so he wanted to stay in the car and I have to tell you, my heart still breaks for that little man. He is such an amazing little boy that has had to deal with really hard things. His strength amazes me! We then came home and each had a pink balloon (thanks to Carolyn..love you!) that we held onto- we each had a chance to share a memory of our sweet Kamberlie and then let a pink balloon go in her behalf- a little tradition we started right after she died and has stuck. I love hearing what my boys have to say... Stockton refused to let his balloon go saying it was too special. Pretty cute. Definitely a humbling day. The boys ate a piece of cake and called it a day... they LOVED it. It was perfect for them and perfect for me. I can't quite picture my baby girl as 6 years old!! In fact, I often see little girls that were the same age she was and how they grow and just try to imagine what she would look like, what she would act like, and who she would be- but, I can't- she will forever be my beautiful little 3 year old, and that is ok for me.
Happy Birthday baby girl.... I love and miss you oh so much!
If there is one thing I have truly learned over the past few years- it is that we ALL have to face really, really hard things in this life. There isn't one of us who will get away from going through some sort of heartache, some sort of pain, or some sort of incredible loss- none of us can escape that. I am not the only one that struggles, that cries and wishes for things to be different. We all face trials in our lives, and it is up to us how we use those trials to either strengthen us for the better, or tear us down to nothingness. I am grateful for what I have learned and the opportunity I have been given to have some kind of understanding and compassion for others, who too, have been faced with extremely difficult trials to overcome- I know I can't comprehend there exact emotions or sadness, but I have to tell you- I have a completely different outlook on things now then I did 3 years ago! I was so incredibly oblivious to what was truly going on around me. I don't know if I have shared this on the blog- but I remember right after Kamberlie died and we were trying to get everything done for the funeral- I just remember walking through the mall thinking to myself how selfish I had been all theses years... here I was planning my baby girl's funeral and feeling so extremely hollow ( can't explain it much better than that) and yet, not one person there at the mall had any clue. How long had I been one of "those people"? Pretty much forever. I genuinely felt bad for someone when something happened, but I had absolutely NO clue what they were having to deal with. I am grateful that I can somewhat relate now.
There truly is good that comes from the bad.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be here on this earth at this time, for the trials I have had to deal with and for the chance I have to prove that I can do this, that I can make it and make my baby girl proud to call me her mom. I love all my babies so, so much. Grateful that I can love them and hug them and let them know how extremely proud I am of each one of them every single day. Don't ever take one moment for granted... let those you love know it! xoxo
I love you all so, so much- and I am completely sincere when I say thank you for everything.... truly. :)