The one thing I vow to never say again.....

So I know I said I really wanted to start expressing my experience with losing Kamberlie. Well, today I am going to share one thing that I hold very dear to my heart. I know that I need to start out slow, otherwise I will be a complete basketcase. :)

The weekend we arrived in Lake Powell- it was the second weekend of October and the weather was horrible! The wind was blowing like crazy and it really was freezing- definately wasn't your typical "Lake Powell" weather, well at least not the kind of weather you would want while you were there. It was probably close to one o'clock in the morning when we pulled up. Austin and I began getting our things out of the Yukon to take to the houseboat. We made one trip down to drop off some stuff before we took the kids down. Teresa was staying in the car with Staley and Kamberlie. I just remember Kamberlie crying because she wanted to be with me. I kept telling her not to worry, she was okay and we were going to take her to the houseboat so she could fall asleep.

I packed both kids-Staley and Kambrie- in one of the little carts and began pushing them through the sand toward the ramp. Kamberlie kept saying "Don't let me go in the water mom, don't let me go in the water." I started toward the water and Kambrie got a little bit nervous. I stopped the cart and looked at Kamberlie and said "the words". ( I would say these words quite often to each of my children) " Kamberlie- it is okay. I promise I will never let anything happen to you!" And that is it- those are those the words....the unthinkable words! Those are the words I vow to never repeat to any of my children.

I really thought I could always protect them, that I was the one thing that stood in between something bad happening to them.... Never could I expect the unthinkable, the indescribeable, the unimagineable....never could I expect to loose one of my children! That is something you hear on the radio, or see on the news.... It is not something that happens to you.

Well.... it happened to me. :(

Little did I know what was going to take place just two days later. Never could I have imagined not being able to stand and protect my baby girl. I remember feeling so helpless, and so completely out of control. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I had broken my promise! I had broken the one thing I truly thought I could control. I let my baby girl down.

I will NEVER say those words again!