Okay, okay... I am finally just going to do it! :) It has been pretty much forever since my last post ( did you miss me!? ) and with that being said- I have been feeling oh so sorry for myself! Why? Why do I do this over and over- why is it that I can be soaring, things are going just short of perfect... and then it happens... the plummet! I feel like I have to dig myself out and feel things all over again. Things that I have already had to feel and experience and struggle through, but yet I go through this vicious circle yet again- and I just don't want to do it anymore, to feel it anymore- but- in all reality... this too shall pass-right!? Always does. :)
I know, I know poor me.. I just want nothing more to feel like a normal person and be happy just to be happy and live my amazing life I have been given. But REALLY live! I get into these little self pity moments... and then I step back, look at my beautiful family, my amazing husband, my family and friends who have supported me through all my struggles and trials and how selfish am I? Are things ever going to be the same? Of course not. I know this, I realize this.. I just really miss me. I miss who I was. I miss how I was. I can't ever go back and that makes me sad. But I have really been trying to find the new me... and let me just tell you how extremely difficult that is- oh my goodness.
I was able to attend an amazing meeting at our grief group before we ended for the summer. The spirit was so incredibly strong and the feelings were so raw, but so honest. It was perfect... it was exactly what I needed on that day and I have reflected on that meeting often. I know I am never going to be the same Kim as I once was- I really do get that. As much as I want to go back, I can't- so it is time to move forward-once again. How lucky am I to really get it- to understand what this life is all about and cherish every little thing. Although I know sometimes it may seem I am completely absorbed and overwhelmed in my pity- I do really get it! I cherish my time on this earth, I cherish my children and my husband- I understand incredible sadness and pain. I am extremely grateful for all that I have. and all I have been given.. I am learning how to deal with really hard things in my life, and I am positive this is nothing less than a blessing! I know Heavenly Father knows what he is doing... I know that there is a purpose for my sweet Kamberlie's return and a purpose for me to go through this extremely hard trial... I know it has opened my eyes quite a bit... and things that seemed to matter so much before, I realize now ... really didn't matter at all.
My cute friend, Karla, from the gym told me today that her mom lost a child, and I can't remember if she said the baby was 10 days old....? Anyway, she said that 40 years later her mom still gets sad. That was pretty comforting to me. I am glad it is ok. I try to tell myself that it has been 2 1/2 years and I need to get over the incredible sadness I still feel, because the situation isn't going to change... but then I have to tell myself it is ok to be sad and miss my baby girl, and in all reality it hasn't really been that long...right? I just can't let it consume me.
The truth of it is, the reason I think I have such an incredibly hard time with it all... I just feel so sad. I feel so guilty. I feel 100 percent responsible, and I think that is why I have such a hard time dealing with it all. You see...( I have only shared this once, may be twice) but I truly feel like I was told by the spirit just moments before Kamberlie disappeared to "get a life jacket on her." Being involved in a grief group- I have met a lot of people from all walks of life who have lost loved ones... but not like me. They have lost them by cancer, by natural reasons, by age, but not by choice. I have struggled with feeling for a long time, that I could have prevented it- if I had only listened. Yes, I did tell her to get her life jacket on, but I didn't take the 2 minutes to do it myself. And I kick myself every single day because of that poor choice that I made at that moment. Austin disagrees with me completely! He says he knows that it was her time to go- I can't wait for the day that I too can feel 100 percent surety that it was not me failing to follow the prompting that I was given- and that it was truly her time to return to our Father in Heaven.
*please, just pray for me*
Happier days are sure to come... thanks for letting me ramble. :)
I know my hurt will always be a part of me, but I also know it can weaken in time by completely turning my trust over to my Savior. I am grateful for the knowledge I have that He can heal all things... I just need to practice that more!