Bitter-Sweet ....

Where do I even begin!?  It has obviously been forever since I last shared anything on my blog- and to be perfectly honest, I don't intentionally "not" write, but it does strike a lot of really hard emotions that  are sometimes  better to keep tucked away until I am ready to face them head on...and, I guess today must be one of those days. :) 

September 8, 2004- 

Today my sweet Kamberlie would be turning 7 years old!  Can you even imagine- because I sure can't!   To picture Kamberlie as 7 years old is next to impossible for me.  I look at all the darling little girls that live by us and try to imagine what she would look like, but I just can't- she will forever by my little 3 year old. :)  

So, I have kind of struggled with trying to put into words all the thoughts that have been running through my head the past several days... Sometimes I feel like my blog is just so sappy, but then again (as I have said several times before) this blog is for me and for my dealing with life as it is thrown at me... so I apologize in advance. :)  

I keep going back to the day Kambrie was born and all the excitement and anticipation leading up to the day when I could finally welcome my sweet baby girl in our home!  I was beyond ecstatic!  She was my tiny 5 lb.10 oz. baby and she was beyond perfect! 

Had I known her life here on earth would be so short would I have done things differently?  ...tough question... The first thought that pops into my head is "probably" , but in all actuality I would really hope not- I mean of course there are things I regret doing or in some instances not doing- but I can truly say I did my best!  I loved my babies more than anything else in this world- and I would hope that they knew and felt that!

Fast forwarding a few years later- now Kamberlie is 3, and she was such a joy!  Her little personality was so funny!  She  always looked so girly, but really was so tough. She was my little "tom boy" and I loved it!  I was  so incredibly proud of her! :)  I remember the night before she passed away she wanted to be right by my side. I remember her rolling off of the mattress we were laying on and scooping her little body up and just holding her tight for the rest of the night.  I LOVE that I have that memory... She wasn't one that liked to cuddle or ever let anyone really hold her - she was like that from day one- so to be able to just love her was such a gift.   Little did I know that it would be the only time... 

-SO-

What exactly do we do for her birthday... well- the first year she was gone (her 4th birthday) we still had a family party and had all the aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandpas over for cake and ice cream... but we have kind of gotten away from that now and just make it a special day for our little family.  We go to the cemetery where we take pink balloons (her favorite) and each of us tells a story or a special memory we have of Kamberlie and then we let the balloon go- my boys LOVE it!  In fact they look so forward to her birthday every year.  Then, we are gong to come home and the kids will all get a white cake donut with colorful sprinkles (again, Kambrie's favorite )  and then we usually watch her little video that we played at her funeral and after all our tears and random questions from the boys we call it a night- Gosh, sounds depressing- but it really isn't.  It is actually really, really neat.  I love that we take the time to celebrate her life as small and simple as it was. 

Thanks to my amazing little sister Nicole- this is Kamberlies video... Enjoy. :)

Happy Birthday baby girl- oh how I love and miss every single thing about you! 

4 years down... just a lifetime left to go...

Just a little something...

I know it has been forever, and I have had so much that I have wanted to share.... but for now- this video touched my heart today!  Something I really needed to hear . ( well-  today, and yesterday, and the day before, and possibly the day before that....:)  )  I love, LOVE it!
Enjoy. xoxo

Life is AMAZING... simple as that...

Thursday, December 23

It is 7:48AM and so far today has been truly incredible!  Many people know I am a fitness instructor- and today is just one more of those days that makes me realize just how much I love what I do. Today, things have, once again, been put into proper perspective.  I am constantly saying to my classes " Why do I have you do do 24 set of stairs.... why are we 15 minutes into a spinning class and completely wasted....why do I make you do this or that......Why?  Because we CAN!"  4 months ago another instructor-and friend,  I work with, Lisa Hardy, was hit by a suburban while riding her rode bike training for an upcoming race.... She was thrown 30 feet backward landing on the road, life-flighted, and lived to be an incredible inspiration to me, and many others.   The sign outside of her room in the ICU read D-... she was, literally,  on the edge of death. Well, today she came back to teach.... and she was amazing!

It is now Sunday, January 2nd...I wrote this post about a week and a half ago, but hadn't yet published it because I felt like there was more I needed to say...

Now that it is officially a "New Year", I am SO looking forward to it! I have done quite a bit of reflecting on the past year and.I have to admit...it definitely wasn't my best year- but nowhere near my  worst either.  I struggled a lot the past year in many areas of my life..... I feel like I am constantly sifting through, trying to come up with some big "plan"  to make things different, to make things better.... to let my fairytale life return. And we all know it just doesn't work that way.

The first day Lisa came back to teach, one thing she said, that made a huge impact on me was, "It was my attitude and determination that got me back here"  I love that. She had to work extremely hard to even be able to walk, and yet she was out there jogging, doing stairs and planning for her next marathon!! (Not to mention 4 months after nearly being killed!)  Talk about dedication!

Why is it that when things are tough, I find myself automatically turning toward the negatives of the situation, rather than the positives?  I HATE that about myself.  It is far too easy for me to think I can do it all on my own when I already know that I can't- so then why do I do it?  Why is it so hard for me to completely turn my whole trust over to my Father in Heaven- knowing that he knows best, that this test  is not more than a mere moment..... ?  And yet, how much do we take for granted?  Pretty much everything...Our spouse, our children, our families, our home, our jobs...our faith, our friendships, our health..... do we really realize all that we have been blessed with?

Last month I was in the temple and a lady came and sat next to me.... out of nowhere really, there were many empty seats, she opened up her scriptures and turned right to this verse and told me I should read this... and then she walked away.
Isaiah 41:10¶^aFear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
Let me just tell you how much I needed to hear this... This scripture was exactly what I needed at that exact moment in my life-

Along with many other instances over the past year, it has made me realize-once again... that I am ready to move forward. I am ready to really start living and loving my life, because before I know it- it will all be gone, and what a waste it would be to let it all just slip away. I never used to struggle with any of this, things always came so matter-of-fact and quite easy ..But now that has all changed, and because of that- it is the time to begin living, loving, trusting, believing, and realizing my true potential....I am ready-  All it takes is the right attitude and little bit of determination.... right?

Life is AMAZING.....simple as that....let's try not to take one single moment for granted.....

This is how I spent last Saturday....

 Just forewarning you there are LOTS of pictures to follow...



It honestly makes me giddy even thinking about it. :)

Okay so seriously- THE FUNNEST RACE EVER!  I have definitely run before.  In fact I would feel pretty comfortable saying that I have run, and run, and run- but NEVER like this.  Never in the mud, or on a 10k  trail course full of crazy obstacles.

 It just happened to be a whim that I was able to run this race- A super fun group of girls from the gym had been planning on running this race for quite a while- but about a week prior to the race one of their team members (cute Melissa)  had an injury and knowing Melissa, the only reason why she didn't go ahead and run it anyway was because she needed to take it easy before running the St. George Marathon the next Saturday!! :)  ( She is an animal)  So, I was invited- and to tell  you the truth, quite hesitant on running not knowing at all what to expect.

The weather was perfect. The company was even better.  

Ana, Cari, Ree, Me, Lisa

Running

Cheering on the girls with the "polygamy brother"

Pretty positive this guys wife didn't like us so much.
note: his shirt says "Polygamy is exhausting"  pretty funny.

...not quite sure what was going on here :)

Running

....more running.

Stop and pose.

Down the slide.

Just after the slide

This picture is kind of blurry,
but in case you are wondering- that just happens to
be my arm before I started treading water!...gross.

I swear to you- Throughout this course...
all this mud- isn't JUST mud if you know what I'm saying!  Gross!

Cari, Me, Lisa, Ree, Ana
Seriously, so dirty...and stinky.

All done. :) 

Oh...don't worry they did provide showers-
 they just happened to be ICE COLD. Pretty much couldn't breathe.

I am SO glad I ended up going- and definitely plan on doing it every year- pretty much forever!   :)

Ree, Me, Lisa, Tiburon, Cari, Ana, Melissa
As clean as we were gonna get.

One more pose with the race mascot...yep a pig.

LOVED IT!!

Thought I would add this video clip for your sheer entertainment. :)  ENJOY.

Remember When...

June 1997- Hawaii

This is the "How Austin and I Met" story.  Many people have heard this before, some people haven't .  I wanted to write this down and record it for my kids... well and for me. :)  So, here we go-

1997 seems so incredibly long ago when you say it, but thinking back, it really doesn't seem that long ago.  I had just graduated from Weber High School (Austin from Skyline High School). Me and some girlfriends had decided that Hawaii would be "the perfect" senior trip, so that is where we planned- and saved up- to go. It is kind of funny looking back because at the time I felt so old, but when I look at an 18 year old now, they seem so young. :)  Anyway, ....

Without going into all the details leading up to this point, let me just start by saying it wasn't a mere coincidence me meeting Austin.  I truly believe that.   I had been dating a pretty great guy for quite a while and we had broken things off just a few days before I was leaving.   I really thought I was going to marry him and somehow make everything work out- (he was a non-member, which was a really hard situation for me because I wanted so badly to be married in the temple)  So, I went on this trip with absolutely NO intentions of meeting anyone, but just having a great time with the girls.  One thing I feel like I should mention, the night before I left was the first time in years I remember getting down on my knees and pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me find my way back to Him- and up to that point in my life I can honestly say I had never felt anything like that before-  It was an amazing experience that I will never forget.  At that moment I knew everything was going to work out and be ok..... but little did I know....I would meet my answer. :)

The next afternoon we arrived in Hawaii.  Several of my friends had an earlier flight so they got there quite a bit earlier then me and two other girlfriends.  I remember walking off the elevator onto the floor that we were staying being greeted by the other girls there and the first thing they said "Don't pay any attention to any of those guys down the hall- they are the biggest jerks!" I didn't think anything of it... I wasn't there for any of that.  Somehow throughout the time we were there we started hanging out with "the jerks down the hall"- when one of my friends "called" for Austin -again, I didn't think anything of it. :)

To tell you the truth, I am not exactly sure how it all happened or how it all worked out, other than I know I definitely noticed him.  But it wasn't just that I thought he looked really good- he was just so much different then anyone else I had met before.  Austin was an amazing example.  I am not quite sure how he convinced about 20 of us to all catch a bus and head to church on Sunday- be he did, and it was a great experience.  I remember watching him and the little things he would do made a huge impact on me.  Austin was a leader and he didn't care what anyone else thought about him and I loved that.

We ended up hanging out the rest of the time together (sorry Julie :) )  He was called a sell-out, and I know my friends weren't exactly thrilled that we were always together, but to make a long story very short- it all worked out, and I am SO grateful it did.  We came home from Hawaii and dated for a year before he left to serve a mission in Brazil.  I waited for him and when he came home we were married 2 months later.  Now, ten incredible years and 5 beautiful children later I couldn't possibly dream of anything better!

Random...

So, Monday night being "Family Night"  we decided for part of it we would take the kids to a walkway overpass- I have NO idea what you call them- but you know what I mean, right? It is the walkway that goes over the road- Anyway, my kids have been asking me all summer if I would take them, and every time I thought it would be a good time, it never worked out ( crying, tired babies, or having to hurry and get somewhere else) Well, we finally did it.  And much to the disappointment to Stockton!!!

 I wanted to surprise the boys because all too often I find myself telling the boys we are going to do something, and then for some reason or another if falls through.  Austin kept telling the boys to hurry and get ready because we were going to go for a ride.  Stockton took this literally!  When we pulled up he was excited but when we went to leave is when the drama started.

Stockton- This is the worst ride ever!
Me- What's wrong, I thought you'd be excited, you've wanted to do this forever.
Stock- I thought we were going on a roller coaster.
Me- Ohhh, I'm sorry Stock, when we said "ride" we meant to go somewhere in the car.
Stock- This really is the worst ride ever- now with tears freely flowing.

After we all got in the car to head home- the drama continued. :)

Stock- Dad, when you die- I am going to go to that place where they put you and take your wallet.
Austin- what?
Stock- Yep, when you die I am going to take your wallet so I can do whatever I want to when I want.
Austin- Well, I am pretty sure when I die, your mom gets my wallet.
Stock- Well then when you die and when mom dies and when Staley dies but not Kenzlie
Staley- Stockton will you please stop, you are making me sad.
Stock- Ok well nobody has to die, but can I have your wallet and then I will give you money for what you need... I wish I was in Grandma Parry's stomach first before mom then I could be in charge...

.....and he kept going...and going. :)

Holy Cow- I think he was tired.

This was all in about a 10 minute span.  Funny thing is about 5 minutes later I asked him if he was done throwing his tantrum and he acted like he had no clue what I was talking about.  This is SO typical of Stockton, and not too uncommon in the Binks home :)

Gotta love my boys!

Now tell me that's not random. :)

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!

Well, it is official- yesterday marked what would be my baby girl Kamberlie's 6th birthday!  Can you believe that!?  It is amazing how fast time flies by, yet stands still all at the same time.  One month shy of 3 years since Kambrie left us for something so much better.  Oh how I miss her.  We had a good day.  Austin came home early so we  could take the kids to Jungle Jim's Playhouse. ( Kamberlie always wanted to go there for her birthday, so that is where we would always go). It is oh so dirty, but the kids could care less and they pretty much love it there. :)  It was definitely a day of reflection, a day of longing and missing, a day full of love, and a day that will be cherished forever.  Afterwards we went up to the Larkin Cemetery in Sandy.  I love the place that we were able to pick out for Kamberlie... it is so beautiful and peaceful there. One of these days I will have to post pictures of her marker and bench- I can't imagine having anything less than perfect for her, and that is exactly what she got. Staley struggled a little bit, but he was very strong.  He doesn't like going to the cemetery, so he wanted to stay in the car and I have to tell you, my heart still breaks for that little man.  He is such an amazing little boy that has had to deal with really hard things. His strength amazes me! We then came home and each had a pink balloon (thanks to Carolyn..love you!) that we held onto- we each had a chance to share a memory of our sweet Kamberlie and then let a pink balloon go in her behalf- a little tradition we started right after she died and has stuck.  I love hearing what my boys have to say... Stockton refused to let his balloon go saying it was too special. Pretty cute.  Definitely a humbling day.  The boys ate a piece of cake and called it a day... they LOVED it.  It was perfect for them and perfect for me.  I can't quite picture my baby girl as 6 years old!!  In fact, I often see little girls that were the same age she was and how they grow and just try to imagine what she would look like, what she would act like, and who she would be- but, I can't- she will forever be my beautiful little 3 year old, and that is ok for me.

 Happy Birthday baby girl.... I love and miss you oh so much!

If there is one thing I  have truly learned over the past few years- it is that we ALL have to face really, really hard things in this life.  There isn't one of us who will get away from going through some sort of heartache, some sort of  pain, or some sort of incredible loss- none of us can escape that.  I am not the only one that struggles, that cries and wishes for things to be different. We all face trials in our lives, and it is up to us how we use those trials to either strengthen us for the better, or tear us down to nothingness.  I am grateful for what I have learned and the opportunity I have been given to have some kind of understanding  and compassion for others, who too, have been faced with extremely difficult trials to overcome- I know I can't comprehend there exact emotions or sadness, but I have to tell you- I have a completely different outlook on things now then I did 3 years ago!  I was so incredibly oblivious to what was truly going on around me.   I don't know if I have shared this on the blog- but I remember right after Kamberlie died and we were trying to get everything done for the funeral- I just remember walking through the mall thinking to myself how selfish I had been all theses years... here I was planning my baby girl's funeral and feeling so extremely hollow ( can't explain it much better than that)  and yet, not one person there at the mall had any clue.  How long had I been one of "those people"?  Pretty much forever.  I genuinely felt bad for someone when something happened, but I had absolutely NO clue what they were having to deal with.  I am grateful that I can somewhat relate now.

There truly is good that comes from the bad.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be here on this earth at this time, for the trials I have had to deal with and for the chance I have to prove that I can do this, that I can make it and make my baby girl proud to call me her mom.  I love all my babies so, so much.  Grateful that I can love them and hug them and let them know how extremely proud I am of each one of them every single day.  Don't ever take one moment for granted... let those you love know it!  xoxo

I  love you all so, so much- and I am completely sincere when I say thank you for everything.... truly. :)

My heart broke...

A few months ago I saw a video on facebook where a man just broke down sobbing/screaming uncontrollably.  You could see that he pretty much had hit rock bottom. - I have to say, to some- they thought it was so funny and I guess I can kind of understand that- but for me...not so much.  It hit too close to home and I could relate 100 percent to the pain this man was feeling.  It is an uncontrollable cry from within, that you can't stop even if you want to.  It broke my heart, and I too cried watching it.

Well, Austin and I went to Park City for a few days for our anniversary.  While we were there, I saw a message that said "Our hearts and prayers go out to the Gaily family." I asked Austin if he knew what was going on...but he didn't. We got home late last night, Austin woke up early this morning for meetings.  He came home to get me for church, then he told me about an amazing man in our neighborhood that passed away on Friday morning in a motorcycle accident.  I  have to tell you, my heart literally broke for the Gaily family! All of those raw emotions that I remember feeling came pouring into my mind.  Not completely knowing the exact emotions that this sister and her family have to deal with losing a husband and a father, but being able to comprehend to some degree how it feels to lose someone you love more than anything in this world. Remembering the shock, the incredible hurt, and trying to figure out the unimaginable unknown... all things, looking back, that I can't fathom having to go through.  But I did- definitely not on my own. We have an incredible community/neighborhood that stepped right up and did everything imaginable to help our little family get through this extremely difficult time. Our amazing family, our friends, hundreds of prayers from complete strangers...all got us through, but also- I know without a doubt that my Father in Heaven was protecting us, comforting us, and helping us through.

So, to add to my sweet neighbors plea- Our hearts and prayers go out to the Gaily family as well!

*Please pray for them during this extremely difficult time in their lives!*
 Thanks.  .  

10 YEARS!!

Holy Cow!  10 Years!!  To some people this may seem like nothing- but to me it is everything! :)  10 years ago today (August 15, 2000)  Austin and I were married.  I have to say- it has been amazing. The last few years have been quite the journey, but we have pulled through it- together!  I don't know how I did it, but I snagged the most incredible man ever.  I feel so grateful to have him in my life, and to call him mine.  Austin inspires me, believes in me, and loves me.  Thanks babe, for the best 10 years- here is to the future.  *I love you*

Remember When....

My cute little sister Coley, printed a book of her blog a little while ago, and let me just tell you how much I love it!! I SO love it. So, because this is my "journal" I really wanted to incorporate the old with the new- hence my title Remember When... I want to start sharing so many of my memories before my blogging adventure started. So I will start picking random pictures and videos to share... so we will always remember them  when I finally print out my book!:)

So the adventure starts now. :)

Remember When....

October 2007- Halloween

Ok, I have to admit, this was the funniest Halloween ever. So, me, trying to be super thrifty- thought it would be the perfect idea to take the kids to Kid To Kid and let them pick out their own costumes...BAD idea. Staley found this horrific rooster costume which he completely fell in love with the minute he saw it! I was at the point in my life where I was really trying not to make all the decisions for my boys, but really value their opinion- Needless to say, this is how it turned out! :)

Funny thing is...last year we had our first ever yard sale...Staley wore this costume all day, and it was a hot day...by the end of the sale a girl was driving by, saw Staley and asked if he would sale his rooster costume...with much negotiation- he sold it for 5 bucks.  I have to tell you I don't miss it so much!

Oh how I love my boys!!

My beautiful children!

Go on.. tell me I have the cutest kids ever... go on, just tell me. :) I LOVE my babies. I am grateful for every single one of them. I love how they are so different, but yet so similar. I am so, so lucky!!

Coming full circle...

Well here I am at home all alone. Austin is working today, and my kids are at my parents home for the weekend- so I thought, what a perfect time to update my blog.:) I have to say, I am not a huge fan of being by myself. I never really have been. As crazy as it can get around here, I truly love the commotion and craziness... especially when it is gone. I love my kids so much and although they have only been gone one day, I honestly missed them the minute they drove away. There is nothing like being a mom. (I know I am a broken record when it comes to this)- but I love my family more than anything in this world! What an incredible gift I have been given! My husband is more than I could have ever dreamed. He is an incredible man with so many talents, and he too loves his family. What an amazing blessing! :)

Now that summer has come, and the end is nearing- I am full of mixed emotions. I LOVE summer, like really LOVE it! There is nothing better than being able to have nothing on the agenda but playtime- and we play! We are always going somewhere or doing something and my kids love it just as much as I do. We just fly through the summer- not a worry in the world, and it is perfect. Reality is setting in- and in just 3 short weeks we will be back to the crazy schedules and constantly running here and there. But, I must say, I miss the structure. I like having family dinner at the same time every night and bedtime at 8 o'clock. I love getting up super early and exercising and having things mostly done before my kids even wake up... I think summer gives me the break I need to get myself motivated to get back into the swing of things. Oh, but how I will miss summer!!

So my last post was in June... and as you can tell I was pretty much a basket case. Ok, I admit it- I WAS a basket case. I know, I know, story of my life right? :) I feel that since that time (although it has only been about 2 months) I have truly had some powerful insight and I am working hard- really hard- to be incredibly grateful for what I do have, what I have been blessed with, and the knowledge I have been given. I am coming around. I am proud of myself. I am truly grateful for my trials, which may seem strange- it seems strange for me to even really say that, but I am.

Austin and I had an amazing opportunity to go speak to a group of youth from Payson at their youth conference they had in Delta, Ut. The spirit was strong, the kids were great. It really made me miss working with the youth in the church. Austin did an amazing job, which is so typical for Austin. I love listening to him speak. He is so strong and his knowledge is unbelievable to me. After our talk they went into a testimony meeting that really was so neat to be a part of. Those kids are strong. I don't think they realize their potential, but I don't know how many of us realize our potential either. We were all put on this earth for a purpose. Are we living up to that? I don't think I have. After the meeting all the youth came and hugged us and thanked us, but I really wanted to thank them. They gave me a glimpse of what I missed about myself. One of the bishopric members made a comment to me that has really stuck with me. He said, "Can you even fathom what an amazing person your daughter must be? I think when you get to raise her and really get to know her- you will really be amazed at the person she is." I too have thought that, but this time- someone saying it- really struck me. Kamberlie was so needed- and it was her time to go. She was perfect, she didn't need to be tested- her test was through. What an incredible feeling it is to know that she was mine...that she IS mine. I know I can learn a lot of things from her. I am grateful to call myself her mom, as I am to call myself the mother of all my children. I don't know what has happened in the past couple of months but I feel like I have finally woken up- why did it take so long for me to come to the realization of what this life is? I have known it all along, my baby girl has made it.. isn't that what we are all longing for, isn't that what we are all longing to become?

I am not sure why things have to happen the way they do, or why we have to deal with them the way we do... but in the end, looking back, what an incredible journey of hurting, learning, loving, and growing.   I know tomorrow I could face another set back, it isn't necessarily too uncommon around here, but in the end... I feel like I have made it. I feel like I am finally coming full circle, and I am ready for what is to come. I am looking forward to the future.

My handsome little man!

Okay, I know this picture is kind of sad, but just look at how cute he is! On Monday, Aug.2 Austin and I were on our way to Primary Children's Hospital to take our busy Taysen to get tubes in his ears. My cute little sister Nicole woke up at 3:45 in the morning to come all the way down to my house to watch our other kids while we had to be to the hospital by 6AM. I have to tell you, I was pretty nervous and I know Taysen was too, but he was so brave! All in all the surgery went good, Taysen did great and hopefully we won't have another winter full of sickness! (poor guy)





All last week Taysen was crazy happy... let's hope it lasts. :)

Summer Fun...

Our family was able to do a lot this summer. Our biggest venue...it would have to be swimming. Give me or any of my kids water and we are there. We LOVE to go to the pool, or the lake, or the splash pad...well you get the idea. :)
No fancy vacations this summer just LOTS of good, quality time together as a family- isn't that the best anyway? Here some are of the fun things we were able to do.






















With 3 more weeks of summer to go, I am sure we will still have many more adventures. :) I love the time I get to spend with my family- there really isn't anything better!